This Phoenix is burning bright…
I make my own rules.
I am wild. I am brave. I am beautiful.
As I returned home from 12 days in Iceland, volunteering as a Race Doctor for the Fire & Ice Ultra, I eagerly checked my work emails to see if I had managed to secure some additional locum work. I was looking for financial security as I navigate this final stage of marital separation in which I will surrender half of my assets and pension to gain nothing other than my personal freedom.
I stared at the email reply, seemingly perplexed at what was quite clearly a polite “thanks, but no thanks”. It sent my already post-expedition blues into a full-on spiral - not least as I was having to return home to the house I own and still share with my soon to be ex-husband.
With a few circles around rejection, worrying what people think about me and what was really behind the phrase “feel free not to hold sessions…”, I allowed myself to let go and practice what I so frequently preach but struggle to do in real-time.
I am not perfect. I am no different to my patients who come to me with their ailments and woes. I struggle with being positive about myself, my figure and my dwindling circle of local friends when I have no family nearby and have been “trapped” in the Highlands as a measure of control.
It wasn’t a job I wanted. I talk far too much to keep my appointments to time. I am an empath and I take on board and read people like a book. Human connection is so important to me and it matters when I am sidelined. I am transitioning - moving beyond the stalemate of a 14 year relationship and a decade of marriage to a future I can build for myself and the girls when they are with me.
As I sat high up on the side of Herðubreið volcano last week, I knew that I had command and control of my own life. I watched the competitors below approach the checkpoint from the distance and marvelled at the vast and expansive vista of old and new lava, blending as one rocky, austere landscape with a cushion of volcanic ash. Iceland, the land of fire and ice speaks to my soul. I have a fire right now to forge a new beginning for myself - one in which I hold my head up high and stop the eternal self-doubt and criticism embedded from my childhood.
It’s a case of now or never - the girls are looking to me as their safety net and in order to be strong and break the generational cycle of criticism, disappointment and high expectations, I have to quickly build and establish my new boundaries. I hit send on my reply and did not look back - other than to reward myself for being a little bit badass and standing up for myself.